Remember when guest blogger, Cookie, stopped by to talk about the virtues of wearing white? Today’s article is about the chignon–that Frenchy chic hair-do that makes me long for oooh-la-la long thick locks that can be manipulated into a glorious twist of seduction. Le Chignon, c’est chic! (Seriously, I want one, but my hair is that of a downy chick–soft, shortish and somewhat fuzzy.)

Here’s what Cookie has to say about creating the perfect chignon. Quelle drole!

Chignon Shenanigans by Cookie

One thing I like to do when visiting my mom, aka The Pack Rat, is flip through her vast collection of 1970’s Woman’s Day and Family Circle magazines. I love looking at their BRIGHT, primary colored kitchens that always have some completely impractical little desk shoved in a pegboard-lined nook.

Presumably, this is where you went to sit in an enameled bentwood or canvas director’s chair, mug of General Foods International Coffees at the ready, and (claustrophobically) write up shopping lists. I wonder how many housewives began these lists with, “Get bigger desk.”

Browsing, I keep my eye out for models like Veronica Hamel, Cheryl Tiegs and Jennifer O’Neill in ads shot before they were famous.

It’s so interesting to me that these stars had completely public yet fairly anonymous lives before we all came to know them better. They were virtually under our noses the whole time!

If you look carefully, you might be lucky enough to catch an 8-year-old Brooke Shields hawking Breck shampoo, Simplicity patterns, or Colgate toothpaste.

You’ll see ads for feminine products featuring Ali McGraw, Susan Dey (yes, that blurry figure diving into the water is Laurie Partridge) and Cybill Shepherd.

Speaking of whom, just as you can bet on spotting Clark Gable in seemingly every other movie made in the 1930’s, the connoisseur of early 1970’s women’s magazines gets used to seeing Cybill Shepherd virtually everywhere.

And occasionally, you’ll even get a fashion, decorating or cooking insight that hits you with a jolt. (Did you know you can replace the sour cream in Beef Stroganoff with lowfat yogurt, to no ill effect?) Sadly, in some cases there can be severe letdown.

For instance, this hairdo, shown on Susan Blakely before she turned to acting, struck me as fabulous in its simplicity, maybe the only grownup hairdo you’d ever need. It’s soignée and polished without being overbearing.

Yet immediately after making this deeply exciting, earth-shaking discovery, reality set in; THE MAGAZINE’S INSTRUCTIONS WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE HAIRDO IN THE PICTURE!

One does not have to be a trained engineer or beautician to spot the problem(s).

While the instructions tell you the topknot consists of two twisted ponytails, one wrapped around the other, the updo pictured is smooth, not twisted! It obviously does not consist of coiled ropes of hair! Yes, granted, there are a few strands wrapped around it, sure…but I’m sorry, following those instructions will not give you a hairdo that looks like that.

And truthfully, I wouldn’t even call it a chignon.

Chignons by their nature make me a little persnickety, because the catchphrase means different things to different people. All anyone can seem to agree on is that a chignon is basically a bun.

THOUGH NOT TO EVERYONE!

Do an image search on chignon and experience the avalanche of contradictory hairdos. As the disparate images flood in, it all scares me in a deeply primal way. A word is supposed to mean something specific, isn’t it? How can we all be at such drastic hairdo odds over this? Are we to accept that the word chignon actually translates into “hair captured with pins”? Does anyone here speak Latin?

I ask you, are these chignons?

A French site labels this a chignon….though I beg to differ.

This is not a chignon:

Personally, when I think of one I see a kind of antique Grecian style; hair worn at the nape of the neck, formed into a sort of hanging…mmmm, sack-shaped (???) bunch of hair with some of it wrapped around the base. I can’t even quite describe it, but bordering on these:

Apparently, the deceitful Woman’s Day – smack dab in the middle of the Watergate era, mind you — thinks this knot can be worn up higher on the head.

Outrageous.

I can barely find a picture of what I’d consider a chignon — and therefore may be way off in my own world on this one. But I think it’s described best in Little Women, where my favorite character Amy readies herself to meet The Lawrence Boy at a ball in Nice.

Her hair she had the sense to let alone, after gathering up the thick waves and curls into a Hebe-like knot at the back of her head. “It’s not the fashion, but it’s becoming, and I can’t afford to make a fright of myself,” she used to say, when advised to frizzle, puff, or braid, as the latest style commanded.

But back to the pretenders.

This French woman shows you how to put your hair up in an (alleged) chignon via a short video tutorial. Notice what an amazing job this woman does and all in a mere minute, five seconds! But again, not a chignon in my book. It’s a French Twist or French Roll, isn’t it?  (Editor’s note: The video is mesmerizing. You must watch it. Oh, the delft hands of that redheaded lady cranking up that ‘do!)

At least this site seems to have instructions to help you end up with what I might (basically) envision as a chignon. It copies Reese Witherspoon’s look from the 1997 Academy Awards, but the steps are quite fussy and use ten million hair products. Note also that they call it an “easy updo,” as if Reese Witherspoon wears “easy” hairstyles when collecting Oscars.

Their version would be even less “easy” to do on yourself, as it involves straightening your hair, curling sections of a ponytail with a curling iron, temporarily pinning them off to the side as you go (so they’re not disturbed), later unpinning it all to rake it out, then winding individual strands around each other to once again pin in place in some artful pattern.

They might thoughtfully include a warning that your arms could fall off midway through this process, which could not only make you late for the Oscars, but limit the roles you play in the future.

To right the terrible wrong done to all Women’s Day readers in 1974, I offer these easy, breezy suggestions for achieving “Susie’s Sun-Drenched Hairdo” as pictured. I trust you to apply your favorite hair products and spray, as needed.

HERE GOES:

1.) Be either born with straight hair, or somehow achieve it.

2.) Grow it long.

3.) Gather a variety of hairpins that match the color of your hair. Some should be the strong, flat kind with plastic-dipped ends…some the smaller, lighter kind of curved wire.

4.) Section hair from ear to ear across top of head, using a rat tail comb.

5.) Gather the forward section in an elasticized band. (Don’t worry; it doesn’t have to look good yet.) Ideally, you wouldn’t want this part flopping in your eyes as you try to wrangle the back of the hairdo, but you also want this front section to be smooth when you finish, so I’m afraid you must suffer and do it last. Until then, we will call it Ponytail 1.

6.) Drink something. Relax. You have taken the first step, the hardest step of all.

7.) You will now divide your remaining hair across the back of head, from ear-top to ear-top. (You may need a mirror placed behind you as well as one before you to do this in a straight line.)

8.) Make these last 2 sections into ponytails, one above the other, catching each with an elasticized band that matches the color of your hair. Keep them as close together as possible. They will now officially answer to the names Ponytail 2 (top) and Ponytail 3 (below).

9.) Call whoever you’re doing all this for to explain that you’ll be slightly later than expected.

10.) Brush your back two ponytails and ask yourself why you didn’t ask Bryan or Jason or even Eve to do all this for you.

11.) Wonder when the last time was you called Eve, actually.

12.) Regroup. Look at picture of Susan Blakely’s 1974 hairdo again, to visualize the shape you’ll be attempting to build. Note that her updo is slightly conical and wider at its base. It is not pinned flat.

13.) Twist Ponytail 2 into a rope and create a somewhat squat bun by coiling it around itself, securing with bobby pins. Tuck end of this ponytail under the bun and pin.

14.) On about your third attempt to do the above, place pencil (eraser-end to scalp) on head at desired point, wrapping coil around that — overlapping, of course — and starting higher than finished base. You might even have to tip head back and rest free end of pencil against wall, so you can use both hands.

15.) Dry your tears. Consider a pixie cut.

16.) Wrap Pontytail 3 around the bun, trying to get this top layer of hair to lie fairly smooth. Occasionally, sharply twist this ponytail a half turn, and anchor with hairpin. Try to cover these twists with smooth hair if you pass over them again. Tuck end of this ponytail under bun and pin.

17.) At last we return to that lonely outcast, Ponytail 1. Unleash and comb.

18.) Divide this hair from forehead to crown (i.e., create a middle part)

19.) Completing one side of head before moving on to the other, pull a section of long hair from above each ear. (If you have layered hair, you probably cannot do this.) (i.e., you’re screwed.)

20.) These 2 strands should be nicely smoothed, then crisscrossed over head at top base of bun, wrapped around it, then pinned.

21.) Gently pull one side of remaining hair to the bun, then let it dip slightly into a curve. (Again, see picture.) After giving section a half twist, to secure placement and tension where it now meets the top base, wrap remainder around bun, and pin.

22.) Repeat procedure for other side.

23.) Take nap.

To cheer yourself (No more! I can hear you screaming), you could now top off your look with chignon jewelry by Silvia Damiani if you like. And I don’t mean jeweled clips or pins.

No, I mean this:

I have paired the ring and earrings with the scariest “chignon” I found. (It looks like some Art Nouveau spider, claws outstretched, poised to bite.) Because to me, the jewelry gives off a chilly, Sci Fi feeling, like I’m seeing baby Alien molecules forming into an electric, swirling mass.

Or perhaps it’s the electric, swirling mass my head has become when confronted with the deadly pretender chignons.

Eeeeek!

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Lead-image: Suzy Creech and friend, typical 10 year-old girls known as "pigtailers"
playing beauty parlor. May 1946, Frank Scherschel. Life Archives.